Messy, complicated, whatever… it’s as easy to allow your emotions to destroy you, as it is to become intoxicated by them. For better or worse, I admittedly walk a fine line when it comes to emotions. I drink their beauty; savor their high… that feeling of euphoria and intoxication. So much so that occasionally I’m convince I could live only on that high for months. Of course the reverse is true as well; when I go dark, it’s pitch black. If there’s a happy medium, I’ve yet to find it; I likely never will. Odd as it may sound, I’m comforted by the thought —I don’t believe I could live fully, meaningfully without those extremes.
Tonight I’ve been thinking of N… find myself wondering if she’s like this, like me… especially when it comes to her emotions. I also can’t help but wonder if she’s the opposite of me; that she went dark years ago, never found her way out.
Your advice on letters & love bombing has remained close. One day perhaps I’ll write these words to her, but not yet. I’m not ready. Still, I think of the extremes in my life since she surfaced (however unintentionally) and simply put, this love bomb is yours because whether high, low, or utterly bizarre, I’ve had the luxury of having a safety net where I’ve never felt the need to be anyone other than unabashedly, Jay.
To you. From me. With love.