It’s time to stop being petulant children. That’s right; both of you… Stop. Don’t make me come back there!

Look… I get it. You both succeeded in reaching high levels of US office thanks to a bit of hard work, not-totally-shitty personalities, a lot of ass kissing, and a sizable ego. Oh… and let’s not forget cold, hard cash. Wait, what was that? …Yes, even you, BO. I like you. I like you a lot… but come on, you’re the President of the United States! A sizable ego is a job requirement, no matter the country. Own it.

Where was I? Right… petulant children… I understand you’re two extremely different people. You respectively belong to political parties whose opposing ideas and beliefs, can (politely) be described as fundamentally different. You both play to win.

And that’s the thing… Were we playing Lacrosse, it would be your ultimate asset. We’d pick our team, cheer you on, supporting you, anything to make sure you didn’t flinch first and cost us the game. But um, this little thing called ‘economic policy’? Remember that? It’s not exactly a ‘Play to Win’ kind of game.

We need…

…

…

What the…

….

…Oh for fuckssake. Mittens, stop crying… Jesus Christ, Mitt. This isn’t church. Just… Okay… how do I put this uh… gently…

See, um… you guys aren’t athletes. I’m sorry to be the bearer of reality, but it’s true. You aren’t the PopuJock, or the even cool kids who get to challenge one another for the seat at the head of the popular table. Maybe you’re destiny isn’t to be popular… If that’s not in the cards, it’s okay. Oh come on, BO. It’s all is fair in love and war; not all is fair in politics and economic policy.

So back to finances… No, boys, it’s my turn. Yes, I’m well aware neither of you want to talk about them. I understand. It’s always awkward the first time, but you have to start somewhere. Now here’s the deal. Millions of people cannot find work; some have been unemployed for 2+ years. Now we need a President who can —Okay, no. Both of you just shut up. Like now. Why? Because I’ve heard it all before. I could give an Oscar worthy-performance playing either of you. No, Mittens. I’m not really an actress, stupid. It means you, BO, as well as your respective parties, haven’t learned any new dance moves at least since around the time America learned that Presidents like BJs Too. (Note to self: contact US Weekly about the BJ thing. Haven’t seen that one listed under Stars: They’re Just Like Us…)

Oh sorry, what was I saying? Thanks BO. Bullet points. As I was saying, I know your bullet points. I’ve read press releases. I’ve written them too. I understand re-branding as damage control. I understand the need to use the pull and power of a motivational speech to pander to your audience. What I don’t understand is your economic policy. Why? Neither of you have been willing to fill me in.

You’re both intelligent men. BO, you’re a fantastic public speaker. Mittens, you’re not exactly terrible; I get why some people (other than Ann) seem to be fond of you. Yet neither of you say anything of value. I love a RAH, RAH, GO! FIGHT! WIN! speech as much as the next girl, but the time for those is long since passed. We need something beyond talking points;  more than that, the voting public should be demanding information, hunger for details on an economic plan that offers a viable path toward stabilizing and eventually reviving a struggling economy. No, your publicist(s) are not responsible for providing you with that material.

Let’s try this… Remember the hard work thing mentioned above? Now’s the time to put it in to play and for once in your life, earn those campaign dollars and the tax dollars your schoolyard brawl is inevitably costing tax payers. I sympathize. I do. Giving up the hookers and booze provided to you scot-free is a big sacrifice. Buy hey, during these trying economic times we all need to cut back, right?

I don’t need you to kiss babies. I mean, let’s face it… those things are germ factories and they may barf on that Armani shirt… I don’t need you to have a beer with me, be the Cool Guy, or even tell me I’m pretty. I mean, look, telling me how fabulous I am is always welcome, but I’m already well aware of that. I need you to be a leader. America needs one of you to step up, stop blatantly pandering to the Liberal Left, the Socialists, the Right Wingers, Religious Extremists, or anyone else. The adults in the room don’t really care to debate who’s right, who’s wrong, Mormon, bi-racial, black or whatever other stupid shit people are going on about.

Give me a detailed plan for social security. Again, no pandering. No saying what you think we want to hear. Come up with a real plan, let us know what it is, why you believe it will work, how you feel it best to enact. It’s all in the details.

Now let’s talk Medicare. Really talk about Medicare. I won’t sugarcoat this one. It’s going to get emotional, messy, and yes, many of us are probably going to be utterly livid and pissed off. Let’s be real. We can’t endlessly fund this program. I have older parents. I understand the emotional angle here. But you know what? America needs someone who isn’t going to run from a tough call. We need one of you do it before the Boomers rapidly begin losing their health because they will bankrupt the system. Scary as it is, you two are kind of it as due to the time sensitivity, we don’t have the patience for another 4 year round of tip-to-tip.

I know. You don’t want to talk about it. Not exactly a great topic in a popularity contest. Of course, I don’t like it either… but I have a feeling we’ll like it even less when rather than reading about the Fall of Rome, we find that we’ve been provided with front-row seats to The Fall of the United States: Live from the USA… I mean, both of you had nightmares due to Shark Week. This should make those seem like child’s play.

So, I guess my last question is, who’s it gonna be? Who’s going to man up, stop playing Whip It Out & Compare, and start determining how we’re going to tackle the extreme cost of medicare’s end-of-life spending. Which one of you is going to drastically cut spending? No, you don’t get to spend the money in different ways. I want to know which one of you is going to reduce it. All around.

What we’re doing isn’t working. Debating abortion, the to live, the right to die, and whether two dudes can legally tie the knot is all well and good for the high school debate team, but the adults in the room are ready to move on. Face it: we’re never going to agree and that’s okay. Of course, once you get the financial meltdown thing figured out, from taxes, reform the budget, enable government to operate without the unnecessary bureaucracy/endless red tape, and finally reel in the TSA, feel free to debate the morality of gay sex until you’re blue in the face. Try it if you want. I won’t even post pictures on Twitter. If you have any energy left once that’s all done, great. Move on to No Wire (Coat) Hangers, Ever! vs. Wire Coat Hangers For Everyone! But you know the rules. Work first. Play later. Tax reform is mandatory. Budget reform is mandatory. The States will cripple without them.

Let me be perfectly clear: I’m not exactly thrilled at the prospect of either of you having control of any percentage of my income, regardless of whether it’s 1% or 50%… However… if you can give me information, proposals, and a workable plan detailing how you propose to help America; to prevent me and my future children from a dire life 20+ years from now, I’ll feel better about taking the enormous leap of faith required in giving you cash. Sounds fair, no? I may even stop bitching about the income percentage being send to aid in current-Washington’s utter mismanagement of funds, and even begin to think that wow… maybe, just maybe… we really can.

P.S. When you inevitably need adult supervision or another motivational speech, call me: 415-555-5332.