Life has never been an event I’ve believed to be about regrets. As far as I’m concerned, it’s too short, too fleeting to risk waking up on my dying day, only to realize the unanswered questions, the mistakes, the regrets, have overpowered the way I lived. Writer-God complex aside, I am tragically human. My characters are puppets of sorts. I’m not.
I won’t say the idea isn’t appealing. Occasionally it’s almost welcoming. With years of practice and a love of people watching, I’ve managed to craft perfect smile. I can transform myself into a beautiful mask of composed, wide-set eyes, a flawless package sealed with whispers, appropriate manners, and a breathy laugh to punctuate all the right notes.
Of course, the illusion never fails to crumble quickly. Let’s be real… the sheer amount of acting/energy required is best conserved, only to be brought out only during ‘vacations’ that involve certain members of my extended family…
People will always have their opinions about who I should be… prettier, thinner, less formal, warmer toward strangers. I should engage more, compete to talk above the rest, be the life of the party.
I will never be that person. I can’t be that person. I don’t know. More importantly, I’ll never know how.
I am the girl who dances with the dark. I’m the one who will throw herself in to a world that is quiet, often haunting. It’s fueled by endless thought, scribbles of prose, engaging with the few who aren’t afraid. They aren’t fearful of getting too close; of spiraling in to my beautifully morbid wonderland.
Yet thus far, I regret nothing. Past mistakes, the flaws, those missteps that will inevitably materialize, only make the person I am. Regardless of my blemishes, the occasional splash in a puddle of paralyzing self-doubt, I relish this life, the learning experiences I’ve had along the way. The most valuable, the one that may only be explained by luck, fate, chance, or even a mixture of them all, the best part is knowing that I am blessed enough to have that handful of people who don’t hesitate stop and allow me to reach for their hand.