For better or worse, I do my best work between 11pm and 4am. Unfortunately, during those weeks where I’m forced to put in face-time at the office, my vampire-esque sleep schedule doesn’t tend to fly. Thank god for prescription sleep aids.

Anyone who knows me at all is well aware of the fact that I’m not shy about my preference for a sleep aid called zolpidem, aka, Ambien. If you’ve ever taken it, chances are you have at least one crazy Ambien story. If you don’t, you’ve most likely heard one. Yep, you know exactly where this is headed.

Over the past 10-ish years, I’ve managed to rack up quite a few entertaining Ambien stories. I’ve proclaimed the ‘puppies are after me’ (whaaa?!)… Oh and then there was the time I managed not only to misspell my own name while sleep shopping, I also misspelled the name of the foundation I’ve used for years… Yes, there are screen shots:

(I especially love the ‘without you, we would be sleeping now,’ line…)

(Forgive me, Shu Uemura, for I have sinned…)

So a few days ago, I went about my usual nighttime routine, read a bit, edited a chapter, drank copious amounts of HINT Water… So what was mistake # 1? Taking a sleeping pill, then having the genius idea to stay up and write some more. This would have been all well and good had I actually, you know, managed to write anything. Instead, I did, well… I’m not too sure…

The next morning, everything seemed normal enough. My house was seemingly in order, my animals were fed and alive, there weren’t macadamia nuts strewn across my floor. Great. Wonderful. I ran off to work and had a normal day.

14 hours later, I got home. It’s not an uncommon pattern for me. I went about my typical routine, happy as a clam… at least until I wandered in to the bathroom to remove my makeup. That’s when things start to get a little weird.

So, full disclosure: my bathroom counter is almost always a mess. Between a flat-iron, hair elastics, makeup brushes, and god knows what else, it’s not unusual for me to find random things on it occasionally. And then I found my first clue. 3 of these scattered around the counter…

Look, I may do many quirky, often eccentric, things from time to time, but I can’t say temporary tattoos have ever been my thing. Naturally, I flipped them over and sure enough, there were no images to be found.

:Sigh:

After a quick strip search, as well as numerous WTFs, I struck gold. Apparently in my delirious, Ambien-induced haze, I’d decided it would be awesome to raid one of the swag bags I got at Sundance. My ribs were the lucky beneficiary. Because I’m well aware that a picture is worth 1000 words, I will simply leave you with this. Of the three that appealed to my very discriminating taste, this one is… well… I’ll just let you see for yourself…